If
you can’t find Mr Right; there’s Something Wrong with You
Get me right. You perceive someone based on
yourself: based on your personal beliefs and thought patterns. Man was created
as a social being not a loner and specific traits were given to man to make
sure he relates. For example someone with a musical gift will naturally hang
around someone else with a musical talent. It gets more complex; a giver will
relate to a receiver, a talker will relate to a listener, an attention seeker
will relate with an attention giver; a material person will relate with a rich
person.
We either relate with people who are like us (e.g. musicians), who have something we need (e.g. a listener) or who need something we have (e.g. affirmation). Like it or not this is the way we perceive everybody around us. Look at your friends or anybody you love; you may say I love him for who he is. But who is he? If he was not that way would you still love him? There is something that links people and sometimes that link is so strong we love them; sometimes its mutual, sometimes it isn't.
We either relate with people who are like us (e.g. musicians), who have something we need (e.g. a listener) or who need something we have (e.g. affirmation). Like it or not this is the way we perceive everybody around us. Look at your friends or anybody you love; you may say I love him for who he is. But who is he? If he was not that way would you still love him? There is something that links people and sometimes that link is so strong we love them; sometimes its mutual, sometimes it isn't.
Jane
So where am I getting at? Let’s say a certain Jane, is seeking to get married. Let’s break down who Jane is. Jane was brought up by strict parents; this would mean that she is either as strict as them or the exact opposite - lax. Her strict parents probably didn't give a Jane a chance to be responsible for herself hence she is used to being taken care of. Bottom line is 'strict' affects Jane. When she meets a man and he strict he will either be very attracted to him because he will fill the void of 'someone to be responsible of me' in Jane's life OR she will resent him because she doesn't want anyone who will remind him of her folks.
So where am I getting at? Let’s say a certain Jane, is seeking to get married. Let’s break down who Jane is. Jane was brought up by strict parents; this would mean that she is either as strict as them or the exact opposite - lax. Her strict parents probably didn't give a Jane a chance to be responsible for herself hence she is used to being taken care of. Bottom line is 'strict' affects Jane. When she meets a man and he strict he will either be very attracted to him because he will fill the void of 'someone to be responsible of me' in Jane's life OR she will resent him because she doesn't want anyone who will remind him of her folks.
Jane
Needs Rough
If Jane had a rough brother she will quickly identify that trait of lack of it in a man. She will either feel comfortable with a rough man or a gentle man (opposite her bro). If she is in a relationship with this man, that is one of the things that will cause them to fight. She will have a problem that he doesn't pull the chair etc (gentleman stuff) OR the flip side she will see him as too soft when he the waiter bring the wrong change she will want (need) him to be more assertive - (code for more rough)
If Jane had a rough brother she will quickly identify that trait of lack of it in a man. She will either feel comfortable with a rough man or a gentle man (opposite her bro). If she is in a relationship with this man, that is one of the things that will cause them to fight. She will have a problem that he doesn't pull the chair etc (gentleman stuff) OR the flip side she will see him as too soft when he the waiter bring the wrong change she will want (need) him to be more assertive - (code for more rough)
Pauline,
"I always meet a guy, he likes me... then drifts away... Am I that
worthless?"
If a certain Pauline has a low self-esteem, she definitely doesn't like that about herself. She will see confident girls and want to be like them and unconsciously start emulating them including the kind of guys they pick. Soon she will notice a pattern; "I meet a guy, he likes me but after a while he seems to drift away. Why? Do I look that un-pretty? Am I that worthless?" It’s because after a while the guy will realise that the real Pauline is not the same girl they met at the shopping centre. Then Pauline will now have a string of break-ups to deal with and always be on edge; trying to please the next guy so that he doesn't leave
OR
If a certain Pauline has a low self-esteem, she definitely doesn't like that about herself. She will see confident girls and want to be like them and unconsciously start emulating them including the kind of guys they pick. Soon she will notice a pattern; "I meet a guy, he likes me but after a while he seems to drift away. Why? Do I look that un-pretty? Am I that worthless?" It’s because after a while the guy will realise that the real Pauline is not the same girl they met at the shopping centre. Then Pauline will now have a string of break-ups to deal with and always be on edge; trying to please the next guy so that he doesn't leave
OR
Damsel
in Distress
She will melt into a cocoon and naturally attract guys who are attracted the 'damsel in distress type' and when the guy gives her the attention and the affirmation she needs she comes out of her cocoon and is no longer the 'damsel in distress' so he either leaves or adapts to the situation... Bottom line something will change, how they relate, who they are etc
There are indefinite angles I can take that can fill a book;
There are indefinite angles I can take that can fill a book; starting from Jane's or Pauline’s upbringing to her friends, to who she looks up to, to the guy that abused her when she was young, to the students who look up to her in a way that nobody ever has (prefects), to her first love that crushed her when she was 16, to her mother, whom she wants to be like, to her father who is the ideal type husband, to her older brother who always takes care of her, to the girls who bullied her in school, to her pastor whom she confides in and listens to.
She will melt into a cocoon and naturally attract guys who are attracted the 'damsel in distress type' and when the guy gives her the attention and the affirmation she needs she comes out of her cocoon and is no longer the 'damsel in distress' so he either leaves or adapts to the situation... Bottom line something will change, how they relate, who they are etc
There are indefinite angles I can take that can fill a book;
There are indefinite angles I can take that can fill a book; starting from Jane's or Pauline’s upbringing to her friends, to who she looks up to, to the guy that abused her when she was young, to the students who look up to her in a way that nobody ever has (prefects), to her first love that crushed her when she was 16, to her mother, whom she wants to be like, to her father who is the ideal type husband, to her older brother who always takes care of her, to the girls who bullied her in school, to her pastor whom she confides in and listens to.
Gold-diggers
are not the problem. YOU ARE!
If you ever find yourself saying strong statements, statements that you unknowingly use to make judgements or perceptions about others; check again, those statements apply to you. If someone says that men are untrustworthy, she is probably talking about 1 or 2 particular men and using that to judge the next man. If the problem was caused by more than 1 man then most likely the problem is not the men, it’s YOU. In the same way if men say ladies are gold-diggers, untrustworthy or the other things that men say about ladies, the problem is most likely YOU. I'd probably ask why do you seem to attract gold-digger chics? I don’t attract gold diggers myself so the problem has to be YOU. The gold-digger chic is already a gold-digger, you: you are opposed to that principle yet you are drawn to them. Is it that these ladies have something that you are looking for? E.g affirmation? So hence the problem is not that ladies are gold-diggers, the problem is that you are in deficit of affirmation and you need a lady who is (all the traits you are looking for plus) good at affirmation -minus a material girl hence deleting the gold-digger problem that you have. Hope I made sense there.
Church Girls Are Boring...Not Boys
If you ever find yourself saying strong statements, statements that you unknowingly use to make judgements or perceptions about others; check again, those statements apply to you. If someone says that men are untrustworthy, she is probably talking about 1 or 2 particular men and using that to judge the next man. If the problem was caused by more than 1 man then most likely the problem is not the men, it’s YOU. In the same way if men say ladies are gold-diggers, untrustworthy or the other things that men say about ladies, the problem is most likely YOU. I'd probably ask why do you seem to attract gold-digger chics? I don’t attract gold diggers myself so the problem has to be YOU. The gold-digger chic is already a gold-digger, you: you are opposed to that principle yet you are drawn to them. Is it that these ladies have something that you are looking for? E.g affirmation? So hence the problem is not that ladies are gold-diggers, the problem is that you are in deficit of affirmation and you need a lady who is (all the traits you are looking for plus) good at affirmation -minus a material girl hence deleting the gold-digger problem that you have. Hope I made sense there.
Church Girls Are Boring...Not Boys
Why do church girls say Christian boys
are boring? Well, because it them who are boring. Before you throw stones at me
have a listen.
First of all church is a very
pretentious place. We can’t be who we really are; it’s “unholy” or “inappropriate”
etc. Bottom line, Peter, a church boy will never get to see Janice - a church
girl, for who really is. Janice will always put on her Sunday best, act very “lady-like”,
smile softly and keep short conversations except when she’s at bible study or something.
Peter will notice that and treat Janice in the same way; very “gentlemanly”
short brief conversations and indulge her in bible topics since that is what she
seems interested in.
But in reality, Janice is looking for a
fun dude, a heavy talker, a straight to the point kind of guy. Peter is
that guy but she will never know. Peter will always be the boring church dude.
What about Peter? Well let’s ask him. The stereo type Peter will say “I can’t
date chics from my church, they just talk about bible stuff and all. It’s like
they don’t have a life.” Ladies and gentlemen let me let you in on a little
secret; everybody has a life. Church is not the best place to see it. Not that
it is wrong to behave in a certain way in church; you should, out of respect
but for God’s sake don’t be pretentious... I digress.
So I say again, if you have not yet
found Mr Right, there is something wrong with YOU; not with men. Whatever you
have a problem with is in you. FIX IT
